GOSFORTH U14'S TOUR OF SCOTLAND, 2010

NAMED & SHAMED: Corey Ball (aka 'The Nugget'), Andrew Benn ('Mr Universe'), Reece Bolton ('Mr Fizz'), Jordan Calinski ('Jolly Green & White Giant'), Mick Cowley ('Pitbull'), Connor Hardy-Lye ('Powerhouse' - no, not the club),  Liam Hasson ('Ward 2'), Emeka Obasi ('The Juggernaut'), Shaun O'Connell ('The Gazelle'), Nathan Rowland ('Killer'), Callum Thompson ('Passmaster'), Philip Todd ('Smiler'), Scott Towt ('The Quiet Assassin'), James Weaver ('Loverboy'), Paul Wiper ('Wipeout'), Craig Wright ('Dad'), Fraser Wright ('Noisy Twin 1'), Liam Wright ('Noisy Twin 2' - hang on, is it the other way round?), Tim Wilcock ('Robin Hood'), Cai Younger ('Kingpin')

The Lions team of ’74 which conquered South Africa, the swash and buckle of the Welsh 1976 Grand Slam side, and the might of the 2009 Springboks who held the Tri-Nations, World Cup and World Sevens titles . . . all great sides, but would they really have been a match for Gosforth Under-14s, class of 2010?

Probably not – and if you’d had the privilege to listen to the persuasive arguments of the lads’ parents in the ‘self-catering dining room’ (dungeon) of the Glasgow Youth Hostel at 3.30am in the morning of Saturday April 24, I’m sure you’d have had to agree (if only to avoid a punch-up).

Yet, even allowing for a few whiskies, a glass of wine, some dodgy French Liqueur (thanks Jon!) and 27 beers each, the Scottish Tour (one easy win, one very tricky victory against a side which must have been playing 15 Englishmen) provided more grist for the mill of the debate, with the Hoops now ending the season on 13 wins out of 15.

But aside from the rugby, some valuable life lessons were learnt by all on a trip on which, I’m sure it’s no exaggeration to say, the boys became men and the men, er, became boys:

-       First of all, we discovered that it was surely sheer coincidence that the sound of the bed squeaking when Shaun Hasson climbed into his bunk above Trevor was rhythmic in nature (and that it lasted only two minutes and was followed by an apology) . . .

-       Trevor has a quiz in his back pocket for every occasion (yes, even funerals and barmitzvahs) . . .
-       Bill & Sandra come top every time because they draw up the questions (seriously, though, well done Mr & Mrs W – it’s great to see all the hard work pay off) . . .

-       Now we know why Austin goes walking in the country so often . . .

-       Mick Cowley Snr has a sideline working as a ‘comedy fluffer’ , sitting in the wings at stand-up shows, he says nothing for an hour then provides – for a pre-agreed rate per word – killer punchlines . . .

-       Whoever told Cai he could keep the shoes if he won at 10-pin bowling was overstepping the mark . . .

-       Coach Weaver is a spoilsport who doesn’t even let the lads fire pencils at each other with crossbows in the middle of the night (but is not averse to using aforementioned weapon as a ‘motivational tool’ with his squad; pictures have been passed on to the Child Protection Agency) . . .

-       When Scottish girls say “are you gay?” it is really a chat-up line  (James knows this, and that’s why he wears a pink flowery top, the sneaky devil) . . .

-       Apparently (Reece) you don’t need an adult to buy FHM for you (so now I know)  . . .

-       Jordan is not running in the 3.15 at Wincanton next Saturday (Please take note, Tim)

-       Shaun’s coolbox really is magic. He was offered one wish from a genie in the layby of the A696 last September, and, as always, he put his son’s rugby club first (Shaun and His Amazing Coolbox is being made into a new Viz comic strip, by the way)  . . .

-       Never, ever, argue with Ivan about the referee’s performance in the County Cup semi-final against Tynedale (or anything else for that matter) . . .

-       Chris Towt used to be an ‘ultimate fighter’ but he lost his MMA licence for overstepping the mark – especially against vertically challenged Scottish opposition . . .

-       Never go walking in the country with Austin . . .

-       Kathryn loves Youth Hostels and has vowed never to go abroad again . . .

-       Most of our kids CAN actually make their own bed . . .

-       Corey has a condition which makes his head cold even on warm spring days; he was not trying to look cool with that woolly hat, honest.

-       Think carefully before you offer to hold the tackle bag in front of Paul ‘Wipeout’ Wiper next season.

In between these moving episodes of self-discovery, there was a bit of rugby played . . .

DUNCANRIG HIGH SCHOOL 26 GOSFORTH 36

Gos, for once, started brightly in the Spring sunshine, going 5-0 up as early as the second minute.

Straight from the scrum, No 9 Cai Younger played in to fly-half Callum Thompson and the ball went via Nathan Rowland to Corey Ball on the left wing. The Nugget (as I have decided to call him in homage to Steve Davis’ brilliant 13-11 win over John Higgins on the same day) made no mistake with a trademark killer finish.

No conversion, and seven minutes later, scores were level – a fast and free-flowing Duncanrig capitalized as Gosforth’s lineout problems persisted. Losing the ball at our own put-in, the visitors were not quick enough in defence as the home side sprayed the ball out wide and scored on the opposite flank. Adding a superb conversion, the Scots were 7-5 up and throwing down a tartan-coloured gauntlet to our young heroes.

Wing Scott Towt was stopped just yards from the Duncanrig line, and the home side went on to increase their lead on 21 minutes – almost a carbon copy of their first try as they won their lineout and passed the ball quickly and effortlessly down the line to score on the right wing. Again, the kick was converted and, at 14-5 down, Gosforth were suddenly up against it.

Seemingly conscious of the fact that Weaver & the Brothers Grimm - sorry, I meant the rest of the coaching staff - would cancel all treats and refuse to feed them if they lost, the lads suddenly upped their game.

A quick penalty from No 8 Craig Wright on 29 minutes allowed him to break to 10 yards from the line.  The pass then went to Connor Hardy-Lye and on to Nathan Rowland who made no mistake just to the left of the posts.

Hardy-Lye added the two points and it was game on again.

With Gos now in the ascendancy, they must have been delighted to see the ref play three minutes of added time (awarded for time lost when the unfortunate Liam Hasson received a neck injury 10 minutes in after a heavy tackle) – and they capitalised with another quick penalty.

This time, Thompson played in Hardy-Lye who again found fellow centre Rowland - a renowned speed merchant - to touch over. That unconverted try put the visitors 17-14 up after an opening period where they had looked second best for much of the time.

After the break, Gos kept the pressure on – but so did Duncanrig in a fast-flowing see-saw game full of incidents.

Nine minutes after the break, Craig Wright powered over from 10 yards out after being played in by a nice pass from Philip Todd - the move having started with an eye-catching diving pass from scrum-half Tim Wilcock.

Thompson did well to add the conversion, and, a few minutes later, Shaun O’Connell sprinted the entire length of the pitch, side-stepping the whole of the Duncanrig team (and three of them twice) to make it 29-14. (OK, then, he powered over from 10 yards out in a practiced penalty move, just managing to put down before being pushed into touch - but still marvellous stuff).

No conversion again but at 29-14, Gos were beginning to look in control. Appearances, though, can be deceptive. Cue a long spell of Duncanrig pressure before they finally produced a well-deserved try on 48 minutes, 10 yards inside the touchline. The kick was narrowly off target, but the home side were soon on the offensive again.

Indeed, but for a superb tackle from Thompson, tracking back to stop a Duncanrig centre at full pelt when he had looked certain to score three minutes later, the result could well have been different.

As it was, the Scots pulled back to within five points shortly afterwards, a passing move down the left well finished by their No 12, as he cut back inside to touch down near the posts. A five-point gap became three as Duncanrig completed the conversion, and Gos had eight minutes left to stifle a stirring comeback.

Stifle it they did with a trademark juggernaut run from Hardy-Lye - what a season he has had - who ran straight at the posts from a penalty, picking himself up twice from tackles to touch down.

Gosforth’s powerhouse centre added the kick himself to leave the scores 36-26 and round off a superb game of rugby against one of the best sides they have faced this season.

Credit to Philip Todd for a busy game in which he was involved in the build-up to three tries, some superb tackling from Thompson, Rowland,  and Corey Ball and yet another matchwinning display from Hardy-Lye.

KILMARNOCK U14s 0 GOSFORTH U14s 22

The contrast to this game – a disappointing encounter against a raw side and a seemingly less experienced ref, could hardly have been greater.

Indeed, a first half in which Gos totally dominated play but somehow produced only one try left coaches and parents alike almost as frustrated as Friday night, when they couldn’t find an off licence open in Glasgow.

Gosforth’s traditional weakness – unwillingness or inability to pass the ball – reared its ugly head once more against a side which this correspondent would say is the weakest we have faced this season.

OK, Gos have won by much bigger margins against Gateshead and Novos – but, on a good day, they could have build up a cricket score against Kilmarnock.

Some bizarre decisisions from the man in the middle did not help – leaving players on both sides unsure what to do on several occasions.

Still, the Killie pies and the warm welcome in the clubhouse afterwards more than made up for a poor game.

Prop Emeka Obasi came close to scoring for the second successive game when his determined charge for the line from a practised penalty was stopped just two yards short in the eighth minute.

Two minutes later, an excellent pick-up-and-go from No 8 Craig Wright from the scrum brought the only points of the first half, as he surged over despite a head-on tackle.

There was no conversion, and the rest of the first half brought little but frustration for the visiting fans, one of whom, the venerable Austin Wilcock, actually spontaneously combusted by the side of the pitch. He will be sadly missed. No that's not right - he will be missed, sadly.

Andrew Benn - producing one of his best games in a green and white shirt - raised spirits with a fine run from inside his own 22 - turning defence into attack until he was stopped 20 yards short of the try-line.

Thereafter, promising moves were eventually flattened time and time again by the home side, with Gosforth's backs reluctant to pass the ball down the line. Twice wing Corey Ball - a proven quality finisher - was left frustrated on the overlap, first when an expected pass failed to arrive and second when it was send sailing back over his head.

The opposition, though, did not have the handling skills to make Gosforth's profligacy count. They should have drawn level in the last minute before the break - and, since the gilt-edged chance was right under the posts, the conversion would surely have come too to put Kilmarnock ahead.

However, their giant of a No 11 somehow spilled the ball and knocked on, when it looked easier to score, saving the visiting team from an even bigger rollicking at half-time.

After a tactical reshuffle and yet another reminder about passing the ball, Gosforth produced their best team try of the weekend.

Three minutes in, Younger got the ball off quickly to James Weaver from a left flank scrum, and his neat pass to  Hardy-Lye went all the way down the line via Nathan Rowland and Reece Bolton to Corey Ball, who finished in style on the right wing.

It all looks so simple for the Hoops when they play like that. Hardy-Lye added the kick to make it 12-0, and the visiting supporters started to breathe a sigh of relief.

A nice breakaway try from Scott Towt pushed the scores on in the 42nd minute, as he dispossessed his opposite number and sneaked down the left wing to touch down.

10 minutes later, the final score of the game again went to the free-scoring Towt who may well have finished the season as the club's top scorer (we could verify this, but we need to find someone who can be arsed to double-check!).

Craig Wright started the move with a solo break on the halfway line, and when Younger offloaded to Weaver Jr from the resultant ruck, the No 10's excellent high kick down the middle gave both Ball and Towt a sniff of glory. Pity the poor Kilmarnock full-back to have those two descending on him at pace!

As it was, the ball broke left to give Towt the advantage, and when the bounce fell kindly, he picked up mid-stride to touch down for a super unconverted try.

Not the prettiest of games by any means, but the best teams find a way to win when playing badly and if Gos' display did not really do them justice, then the season's final stats certainly do:

P 15 W 13 D 0 L 2 F 461 A 165

A fantastic season, in which so many players have improved and the physical commitment all over the pitch has been superb.

As a final sign-off, before I hand the reins of press officer over for next season (third prize in a raffle - first prize is two tickets to watch Scotland play, and second prize is four tickets to watch Scotland play, and a shirt signed by all the team), I need to hand out a few awards, and remind you of some random quotes from the Tour . . .

AWARDS

MOST INAPPROPRIATE COMMENT OF THE TOUR:
Tough one, this, some superb efforts from 'The Sniper', Mick Cowley, and, as expected, brilliant consistency from the bookies' favourite, Austin. But on the basis that violence to women is still less acceptable than bestiality, the award has to go a fine, late, late entry from Mel. Which just goes to show the importance of playing to the final whistle.

BIGGEST NUISANCE OF THE TOUR (PLAYERS ONLY): Judging by the effort put into this one from (almost) the entire squad, this had to be the most coveted award of the trip, and again, very difficult to pick a winner.
Great early effort from my first-born, Cai Younger, who almost forced the bus driver to resign before we'd even reached Gretna. Tim Wilcock - always there or thereabouts - proved his credentials by whingeing on constantly about not getting the crossbows to play with (aided and abetted by James Weaver - another determined performer who just never gives up - and by, ahem, yours truly). I'm not a player, though, so I don't count. A superb late group effort, perfectly timed when the parents were at their most miserable - that stupid screeching noise which almost drove Mick Cowley Sr into jumping off the bus on the way home. And Callum Thompson - for masterminding a woeful burping competition - deserves a special mention. (No, Dave, you can't enter - you're the coach, now). 'The Meerkats' as Chris Towt christened them, did what they do best - never shut up the entire weekend - top marks, lads - you know who you are.

But, for a late night diving tackle which managed to spill an entire bottle of Coke over the playing kit of the entire squad (I exaggerate, but who cares?), the gong has to go to the man they've already dubbed 'Mr Fizz',  - a man whose T-shirts are so glam he could be a Lady Ga-Ga backing dancer, step forward . . . Reece Bolton!

THE EVIL KNEIVEL AWARD FOR DEATH DEFYING FEATS:
Not strictly a tour award, this one, but I forgot to take the Mickey out of Gosforth Under 14s very own daredevil in last week's report. For walking from Ilford Road to South Gosforth alongside the Metro track, shutting down the Tyne-Wear Metro system and prompting and invasion of 8 policemen, four security guards, a police helicopter and a CNN news team, good work fella to Mr Ameen Azabi. (Next week, join Ameen for his sponsored walk down the main runway at Newcastle Airport, followed by a charity bike ride the wrong way down the fast lane of the A1 . . . blindfold.)


QUOTES - Who said what: were YOU paying attention?

"So when was it that you got fat, then?"

"and their tongues are rough, a bit like a fine sandpaper, so you really feel it . . ."

"I can do it for you but we'll have to do it on the quiet" (spoken to me, honestly. No, it wasn't sex- it was better than that . . . beer)

"we weren't going to tie you up and shoot you, Cali, honest"

"I find the best way is just to give them a good slap"

"It;s a good job my mother's not here"
"Don't be daft, your mother would love it"

"All the off licences were shut, we walked for miles . . ."

"It's better than s***ing a s****, when you have to walk round the front to kiss it"


AND FINALLY, SOME QUESTIONS:

If Ivan didn't sleep all night, who was that guy in his bed all night, snoring?

Did Austin not have a good time when he said he was going to the museum on his own all afternoon, or was he in really in seventh heaven?

Which player woke up worrying close to Connor on Saturday morning with a cheerful "Alright, mate?"

No, really, what was Shaun laughing at all the time?